Before I jump in let me share Wednesday Male Hotness:
Okay, so our topic this week is all about last year. A year, truthfully, I’d rather forget. In fact, I was going to blow this blog off or do something silly, but I think instead I’ll be totally, absolutely honest. I know . . . scary.
To begin, I have a mental illness . . . probably more than one, but whatever. I have clinical depression. I take meds, but often they don’t work because the illness overwhelms them. Because life and my reactions to events overwhelms them. I think of it as a low grade fire that constantly has water sprayed on it. The water controls it, but never puts it out. Sometimes the flames flare up and that tiny spurt of water just isn’t enough.
2015 started out horrible. I lost my two baby boy cats, Warlock and Max within a week of each other. Devastating. I don’t think I quite recovered from the one two punch of that. Those events tossed gasoline on my tiny flame. Things just kept rolling, adding fuel to the flame.
The depression overwhelmed, as it’s wont to do, and before I knew it I was under. I couldn’t write, didn’t want to go anywhere, didn’t want to do anything, slept constantly or not at all. Suicide entered my mind. Been there, had those thoughts before, and I’m savvy enough not to fall for them. But it was so tempting. End it. Over.
Guess what? I didn’t. I knew it was the illness whispering. Even at my very worse, when I imagined there was no one who would care if I disappeared, I knew my sister would. I couldn’t leave my sister. No matter what. I couldn’t, wouldn’t do that to her. Was it and is it a struggle? Oh hell yes. But making the choice to die would be like tossing my Mom’s gift back in her face.
See, my Mom had a massive stroke and ended up in Hosparus (hospice hospital). I knew she was hanging on for us. She always said she’d never leave her girls. I told her it was okay to go. We knew she loved us. But, we’d be fine, because she gifted me with my best friend. Since she’d worked so hard to give that gift to me, how would it be if I tossed it away?
I think I’m on the upswing. At least, I feel as though I am, but I take it one day at a time. Sometimes, when things get really shitty, I focus on an event or a trip we have planned. You know, can’t go anywhere cause I don’t want to miss (insert thing here). It works for me and, yeah, sometimes that’s all that matters.
Saying all this, there have been “best” memories from this year. I got a kitten, Maeve, who is so sweet. She really is my baby.
Sis & I went to Nashville a few times to meet our best friends and hang out.
We also took a trip to Atlanta, which was a lot of fun. We saw the largest aquarium in the universe, the botanical garden, and the natural history museum.
We planted our flower garden. We went to tea at our favorite place, Sisters Tea Parlor.
Our best friends came and spent the holidays with us.
I even picked up a new hobby, which is making my own soap. Go me.
It’s so easy to dwell on the bad, especially when depression is flamed up to forest fire levels. This post though, has forced me to list the good stuff from this year and that’s a huge positive. Like I said, I wasn’t even going to do this post, but blogging every week was one of my resolutions for the year.
Hope this wasn’t a downer to you. And if you suffer from depression it’s okay, it’s an illness just like high blood pressure or diabetes. Make sure you take care of yourself and if it gets too much please, please seek help. Know that you are so valuable, you are the only you here and we’d miss if you you were gone.
Now go and check out some other best memories from the other bloggers and I’ll see you next week. Pinkie Promise! Gwen