Author: gwencease

Top 10: Insecurities

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Hello and welcome to the randomness that is Wednesday. Wow, this topic is intense. Who the hell picks these things??? I need to tell you my top 10 insecurities? Shit, it’s going to take forever to whittle down the list to just 10. Huh, or maybe it’s just the top 10 insecurities I like to use in my writing? Yeah, I’m sure it’s not that.

Let’s see if I can get to 10 before I quit and crawl into my blanket fort with a book and a glass of wine.  As always, these are in no kind of order.

  1. I won’t be able to ever write again. This is a huge insecurity and it’s dogged me my entire life. Now, has it ever happened? Not really, though I’m still struggling to finish Entangled.  It’s not that I’m not working on the book, it’s the fact that I need to keep making adjustments because it’s just not right.

2. I’ll be 85 and asking people if they want fries with that. Truly, unless you are really wealthy the idea of a huge retirement savings is never going to happen. I have a retirement account, but it’s not nearly what it should be. Hence the worry.

3. My eyes will get so bad I can’t read. I know, what a random worry, but it actually happened to my mom. She also had tons wrong with her eyes too, but this is still a worry of mine. I can’t imagine not being able to read. Or knit or embroider or write or the millions of other things I do.

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4. I’ll end up alone. I’m sure this is a worry that many people have, but it’s one of my huge deal things I fret over.

5. I replay stupid shit I’ve done or said all the way back to when I was a kid. I know, crazy, but yeah I do it. I also know this is fairly common, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

6. The feeling that I’ve let someone down or made a major mistake. This will tie me into knots and I have a huge stress response with this. Like I can’t eat, sleep, and end up physically sick. I also get heart palpitations and feel like I can’t breathe.

7. Even at my age, I often don’t feel like a grown-up. In fact, I will look around to see if there’s a more grownup grownup around than me. I think this goes back to the sexual abuse I suffered as a kid. Sometimes, if the situation is intense I just don’t feel old enough or mature enough to handle whatever it is.

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8. If people really knew me, they wouldn’t like me. And, this is funny since I don’t put on a new persona when I go out. I’m me, all the time. So, if you don’t like it then there’s nothing I can do for you. This also feeds into no one likes me. This especially happens at work, which is kind of funny since I really only have a few people I’ve connected with. See, weirdness.

9. I’m totally insecure about my weight. I’ve fought it all my life. I’ve been as small as 130 pounds and as large as . . . well I am right now. No matter what’s I’ve weighed or looked like I always find some flaw. Once again, I know this is fairly common, especially with women.

10. Finally, I’m insecure about where I am in life especially at my age. I often think I should be more financially secure or have an amazing relationship or have kids. This is kind of funny since I never wanted kids, ever. I still don’t want kids, but it’s one of those milestones that other women have crossed. So, since I haven’t, then there must be something wrong. I’ve also never been married. Once again, not something I wanted, but it’s another milestone.

So, there they are. Some of my insecurities. If you would like to share some of your own, please feel free.

Bronwyn

Songs that Represent Each Decade of My Life

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Welcome to the randomness that is Wednesday. Today our amazing question is: If each decade of your life was represented by a song, what would it be? Wow! That’s a tough one since I love music so much. I guess I could go in a few different directions with this but I think I will give you the song that I remember/loved the most from each decade.

Here goes:

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This to me was really the defining decade as far a music went. When the 70s first rolled around I was so little, so I don’t remember much. But as the decade went on, my musical tastes changed so quickly. I went from the boy singers like Leif Garrett to really good music such as Led Zeppelin and Bob Seger. I think the song that sticks out the most though, was my very first crush Tony DeFranco and the DeFranco family. I’ve talked about him before in a previous post, but here’s the song (the only song) I remember from them.

 

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I rolled into high school in the 80s and the band that I loved, at the beginning anyway, was Journey. I know, but when you’re 15 they’re the shit. Anyway, I collected all their albums (yes vinyl) and when they went on tour to support Escape I was allowed to see them. Talk about excited. My friend Sherry and I got to go and we were so excited. I still really like this song.

 

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By the 1990s, I was working and going to college. I made some really great friends during this time and most weekends were spent out at the dance clubs. So. Much. Fun. I went to New Orleans and danced on a bar. Hey, the bartender offered free drinks. I also attended my last really big concert. Yeah, I’m an introvert so I hate crowds. Going to concerts is a major overload so I go to see the people who matter. When Nine Inch Nails announced they were touring to support The Downward Spiral album I instantly got a ticket.

 

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The 2000s is when I began to teach. To say that my music choices were a bit angry is putting it mildly. I think I needed the driving, screeching music to get me through. My band was Disturbed and their song Down with the Sickness was the bomb (still is in fact). I have the CD and would often play it as I drove to work. LOL! Yeah, I know. I also heard a lot of music at the school dances. Most of the music wasn’t what I listened to, but I did learn the Soulja Boy dance. Yeah, I know that too. When you teach in an elementary school you do what you have to.

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Now we’re up to the last few years. I can’t really tell you what song I’d pick. I don’t really have a group that stands out for me. I can’t even remember the last CD I purchased. Hmmm, maybe Lindsey Stirling. I really like her. And I love the song Hold My Heart, which features ZZ Ward on vocals. Amazing

There are songs that make me turn the radio up like Ed Sheeran’s Shape Of You, but nothing that really stands out huge for me. Perhaps if we do this again, I’ll have something more to share. Hopefully, you liked all the songs I shared with you.

Bronwyn    Kris     Siobhan

May 2018 Promptly Penned

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PromptlyPenned

Welcome! If you’re new here, Promptly Penned is where we are all given the same sentence and we have to craft a flash fiction piece around it. I’ll let you know what the sentence is by putting it in bold. I hope you enjoy the piece:

 

The figure came out of nowhere, or, at least, that’s how it seemed. One-minute Anna was walking home from work and the next she was wrapped in someone’s arms. Yeah, it would have been awesome if it were Jason Mamoa, but it wasn’t. She didn’t have that kind of luck.

Her attacker wasn’t big, but he . . . she was strong. Really strong. And smelled of rancid meat. Anna gagged at the smell as she fought to get away.

“Let go of me, mother fucker!” she yelled.

She kicked back and connected with a leg, but still her attacker wouldn’t let go.

“Shit, fuck, damn.”

The person grabbed her hair and wretched her head to the side as something sharp dug into her neck. She sagged and gasped at the sudden bright pain. Pain as she had never known before and truly didn’t want to know.

From far away, someone yelled. She was jerked away from whatever held her and she fell to the ground. She tried so hard to roll to her knees and crawl away but didn’t have the energy.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she muttered.

“Do you want to live?” a voice asked her.

“Duh, fucknut,” she slurred. “Of course, who wouldn’t want to live unless they had shit for brains. Fuck, fuck . . .”

Anna then died doing what she loved—swearing profusely.

 

Anna gasped in a breath and struggled to sit up. What the fuck happened? Where was she?

“Relax.”

Gentle hands pushed her back until she lay flat. She wished she could see . . . why couldn’t she see? Was she blind? Was she dead and blind? No, fuck, she wasn’t blind, her eyes weren’t opened. Were they? No, they weren’t. So, why couldn’t she force them? Fuck, she was so tired.

 

The next time Anna surfaced she could actually open her eyes. She also didn’t try to sit up since she felt dizzy and hadn’t even moved. Was that normal?

“Oh good, you’re awake.”

She tried to focus on the voice, but everything was a blur. So, maybe she wasn’t awake. Maybe she was dead. Was this heaven? She almost laughed, yeah, she doubted it since she cursed way too much for heaven. Couldn’t be hell since it wasn’t hot and she didn’t believe in it. Huh, so if she didn’t believe in it could she still go there? The question made her head hurt and she closed her eyes again.

A cool hand stroked her forehead.

“You need to wake up now.”

The voice was soft and female. Yeah, it was a female. Anna opened her eyes to find a woman she’d never met leaning over her. Blonde hair, big blue eyes and a bright smile. Anna knew right away the woman was probably perky. She hated perky people. They got on her last fucking nerve.

“My name is Selene and we have a lot to talk about.”

Anna wanted nothing more than to close her eyes. She hated when people said they had to talk. That usually meant bad news. Really bad news. Fuck, she was dead. She knew it.

 

Bronwyn    Siobhan

 

Brain Dump or Junk Just Floating Around in My Head

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On any given day, my brain is awash in random thoughts. I will share some of this with you. And, before I begin, let me just apologize in advance. Since, yeah, way random. So here goes:

Okay, so I’ve had my ears pierced since I was 11, which was a really long time ago. Huh, I also started my period that year too. Anyway, so, ears pierced at 11. Why did the hole in my left ear close up? I mean, for pity’s sake, I’ve had these holes for  . . . a really long time. So, why and how did just one decide it was time to close up? Yeah, let me tell you, piercing your own ear does not feel good.

I love my friends. I have the very best ones ever. You might think your friends are great, but sorry you’re wrong. I love seeing my friends, but the problem comes with traveling. I love to travel and go places, but truly, I’d rather stay home. I am an introvert. Most people who know me act all surprised at this, but yes I am. If given the chance, I’d rather stay home and read a book, but I want to see my friends too and most of them live out of town. If someone could come up with a teleporter I’d be ever so grateful. Then I can visit and still be home to snuggle with my kitten and sleep in my own bed.

Cats are assholes. I love my kitten don’t get me wrong. Plus, she’s super cute.

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See, told you, super cute kitten

But, no matter how cute she is, she’s still an asshole. She loves twisty ties, the bigger the better. She plays with them, fetches them, drops them in her food and water bowl the works. She will also drag them up onto the bed in the middle of the night and proceed to chase and fight with the twisty. All the while trying to lay on me. Really?? Oh, then she comes over and sticks her big old face into mine since she wants to lay on my pillow for 15 seconds. Once she’s made sure I’m awake, she leaves. Asshole.

Why do people have to be such assholes? The news is full of them. But what’s the point? What is this person gaining by being a total assholes? Unless they don’t think they are and, if that’s the case, someone close to them needs to smack them in the head and tell them to knock it off. This is why I really don’t like to go out. People, as a whole, suck. I love individuals, but as a huge group we are just one big suckage.  I’ve shared this opinion before and I always get people who agree with me. So, if we all agree with this then why are there still assholes out there? I’m sure it will take a better person than me to figure it out.

And, these are some of my very random thoughts for today. Now go and check out my fellow author friends and see what’s on their minds.

Bronwyn      Kris     Jessica D.     Siobhan

May 2018 Picture Prompt

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For our picture this month we have this lovely image:

Liberty bridge in Budapest, Hungary with people walking on it. D

And now onto the story!

Everything looked so damn familiar. The dark green walking bridge over a river, bright in the sun. The concrete surface and the lime colored metal structure next to the path. The structure that turned out to be a bridge for motor vehicles. Elegant buildings with balconies bookended each side. It was exactly like his dream. Vision. Whatever.

No, that wasn’t right. In the dream, he’d been on the bridge with the car way on his left side. Slowly, he turned in a circle surveying the area. This whole situation was totally fucked up. He was a man who believed in facts, evidence, not weird-assed woo woo shit. And, yet, here he was in the middle of a place straight out of his dreams. He knew he’d never been here. The country yes, but this particular city. No. He had no reason to since he traveled where his job sent him. He was not a man who went on vacations.

Damn, he just wanted to turn and walk away, but something drove him. He knew he had to be here in this place, on this date and at this time. Shoving his hands in his pants pockets, he began to slowly walk across the bridge. He scanned the surrounding area, building a map in his head, which he filled with every person, car, and object.

Reaching the mid-point, he turned and saw the view from his dream. The bright sunny day, the blue sky filled with puffy white clouds, and the people. A woman in a pair of black pants, purple shirt, with her red hair in a pony tail walked toward him accompanied by a young girl.  He knew them. They were from his dream, though he hadn’t been able to see them clearly. Today, he watched as they laughed and talked. Mother and daughter, maybe.

A glint in the distance pulled his attention and he zeroed in on the three-story building ringed in balconies. Something wasn’t…he was moving before he thought. He shoved the woman and child to the ground covering them with his body as shots rang out. The people around them screamed and scattered, racing in all directions.

Rolling to his feet, he picked the child up with one arm and grabbed the woman’s hand pulling her up. Then he began to move, towing the woman with him toward one of the bridge supports. Once on the other side and out of the line of fire, he put the girl down.

“Are you both okay?”

The woman crouched and began to check the girl over, who had begun to cry.

“I think so,” she said, her voice shaky. “What happened?”

“Someone was shooting at the bridge,” he said, not admitting that the bullets were aimed for her. Not until they made it to safety. They were too exposed for her to freak out. He needed her to stay as calm as possible so she would keep the kid calm.

“Momma?”

The girl sniffled and wrapped her arms around her mother’s waist. The woman held her close and looked up at him. Waiting. Waiting for him to do something.

Shit, he wasn’t anyone’s hero. That wasn’t his role. Get in, do the job and get out with no one the wiser. That was his role. That’s the way he preferred it. Unfortunately, he couldn’t leave them. The dream was driving him on with a certainty that settled into his bones. He was supposed to protect this woman and child. From what, he didn’t know. Not yet. He would though since that was his job. He gathered intel to ensure his jobs went off without a hitch. This was why he was the best assassin the government had.

 

Bronwyn   Siobhan   Sarah

Wordless Wednesday … As If

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WordlessWed

As always, this is wordless, but that’s never going to happen. Anyway, I was struggling with what pics to use then Sis and I went to the Cincinnati Art Museum. The place is awesome and I took a ton of images to share. The only floor we didn’t hit was the 3rd and that’s because it’s modern art. *gag* It always looks like something my students could do. So not impressed.

Here are pictures of the things I loved at the museum:

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The museum had a Terracotta Army exhibit. We didn’t go in, but I did get a picture of one of the pieces.

 

 

 

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This is the only painting I took a pic of. I love it! The man is so beautiful

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I love this bowl!! Tiny turtles!

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Quan Yin is one of the goddesses I call too. I was so excited to see a statue of her.

 

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I loved this decorative element. So beautiful.

 

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I truly wish I could do this piece of art justice, but it was impossible. It was an entire room that was wall to wall and floor to ceiling based on, I believe, the entrance chamber in a home. I should have taken a panoramic video of it. I’ll do that the next time I go.

I hope you liked the images. There was so much more. The museum is really wonderful and, if you get the chance, you should go. The best thing, it’s free!! Not the Terracotta exhibit, but all the rest of it.

Now go see what Bronwyn, Jess, Kris and Siobhan have to show you.

April Check-In

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So, here we are at the end of another month. Day job wise, things are starting to heat up. We’re rolling into the busiest time of the year and things won’t calm down again until maybe December. I don’t mind, since I really like my job.

I actually blogged every time, but once this month. Go me!! Counting today, that makes 6 times. I plan to keep on this schedule of blogging each time.

I also worked on Entangled this month. Woo hoo!!

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And if you have Will dancing, then you gotta have Carlton

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So, for May I plan on blogging each time and I’m going to keep working on Entangled. I also, plan on taking some days off so that will be really good. See you all next month!! Now go check out how my friend Bronwyn’s month went.

Top 10 List for April

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Welcome to the top 10 list for April. As always, this list is in no particular order and, it could be, there won’t even be 10. Let’s get started and see how this goes.

1. I would, at least, have published another book by then. *eye roll* And, yes, this was a dig at myself for not getting my ass in gear, but seriously . . . I would like to have a solid 10 books published. One book a year sounds doable to me.

2. I want to have my bills paid off all the way. And, maybe, have a new car.

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3. I want to go to Scotland and touch Hadrian’s Wall. This has been my dream forever, so I want to be able to look back in 10 years and know that I’ve been there, done that, and have a rock to show for it.

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4. I would love to have a solid retirement fund set up. Yeah, I know, boring, but it’s something we all have to think about. Unless I can win the lottery, then, HELL YEAH!!!

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5. I would like my book(s) to be on someone’s best seller list. Doesn’t have to be the New York Times (though it would be nice), but I’d like to see someone say it’s a best seller.

6. I’d really like to have taken an Alaskan cruise.

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7. Oh and since I’m on a best seller list then I’d like to be making good, consistent money from my books. Go me!

8. I would love to have a handle on my depression and not have it affect me so dramatically.

9. I want to be back in shape and actually making exercise an important part of my life. I think if I can do this, then number 8 might be doable.

10. I know you’ll think this is me being funny, but I really want every room in my house to have a new coat of paint. I say this because I’ve been in this house . . . almost 14 years and there are rooms that still have the original paint the builder put on them. *head hanging in shame* I’ve been busy!! And, if you ask any of my friends, I have a horrible time picking paint colors. I will paint a billion color patches on the walls and finally my friends will start to vote for the color they like best.

And, there you have it, my list of 10 and yay there’s actually 10. Now go check out and see what my amazing friend Bronwyn wishes to accomplish.

 

My Favorite Things

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This week on the blogs we’re talking about our favorite things . . . about ourselves. As the post told us, it’s so easy to talk about what we don’t like about ourselves, so today we need to chat about what we like.  This is so hard for me, since, yeah, I could list all the things I don’t like all day long. So, here goes:

The first thing I like about myself is my sense of humor. I’m a bit quirky and can be sarcastic, but I’m also pretty fast off the mark. I like to make people laugh and I like to laugh. In fact, laughing so hard I cry is one of my favorite things.

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I love to learn. I read tons of nonfiction books on everything from Bellevue hospital to the history of cancer. I like to know things and, sometimes, what I learn will bring about a good idea for a book. So, two birds and all that.

I think I have pretty skin. I’ve always taken care of it since I was a child and now anyone that finds out my age automatically says, “You do not look your age.” And, I think that has to do with my smooth skin, but it also had to do with the fact that I don’t “act” my age either. I always say on a good day, I’m about 12 and a half.  I’m good with it, though.

I think I write really well. I love the ideas I come up for books, I love my characters, and the dialogue I write.  I also think I can write humor and I often make myself laugh.

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This took me about an hour and a half to write. The struggle is real people. Before I get a headache, I will end this, but say it was a good idea. I’m so quick to find fault with myself, so this made me sit and really think. In the end, I will say that I love myself.

Bronwyn   Deelylah

 

 

April Song Flash Fiction

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This month’s song flash fiction is Dive by Ed Sheeran. I hadn’t heard the song before now, but I love it. It brought a whole scene to mind between two of my favorite people, Cara and Spencer.

Oh, if you’ve never heard the song, take a listen. Now onto the flash.

Spencer leaned back in his chair and watched Cara move her way across the crowded bar. She stopped to smile and speak to someone. Damn, she was so beautiful. Not just outside, which was evident with her long fall of blonde hair, big blue eyes and a body that got him hard just thinking about her. No, she was beautiful inside too. Smart, funny, caring…what the fuck was she doing with him?

He was a tattoo artist, biker, with a record. She was a fucking Ph.D. with an amazing career. No two people were so wrong for each other and yet here he was, on a date with her. Him on a date. He didn’t date. He fucked and moved on. He just hadn’t managed that with Cara. And he was in deep, too deep. He’d never felt for anyone what he felt for her. Obviously, since they were dating. The big mystery was how she felt about him.

He knew she liked what they did in bed. He didn’t have any doubts since she was very vocal, which he loved. Hell, they’d spent all day in bed and were only out because there wasn’t any food at his apartment. She wasn’t bothered about being seen with him either, but that didn’t mean anything. And when did he get to be such a pussy? Sitting here wondering if a woman was into him wasn’t something Spencer did. Ever.

Cara slid into the chair next to him and smiled. “I love this place.”

Spencer looked around The Pit and was forced to smile. Only she would like the hole in the wall bar he frequented. Shit, she’d managed to make friends with a lot of the regulars too. That was hard to do, since a lot of the people were hard asses who didn’t like many people. Yet, she’d managed it.

“Oh,” she said, “I love this song.”

Spencer listened but didn’t recognize the song. Didn’t matter since it was slow and he wanted to hold Cara, needed to hold her. Standing he pulled her into his arms and began to move.

“I don’t know it,” he murmured in her ear.

“It’s called Dive by Ed Sheerhan.”

Her breath was warm against his skin and he tightened his arms around her. Her body moved with his and he wished they were back at his apartment so he could strip her down and feel her skin against his.

“You should stay tonight,” he said, surprising himself. He never, ever invited a woman to sleep at his place. Shit, he didn’t bring women back to his bed at all. He preferred to go to their house so he could leave when he wanted. Cara was the only woman he’d ever had in his bed. The only woman he wanted in his bed.

“I’d like that.”

“Why?”

It had popped out, just like the request for her to stay, but he needed to know.

“Why what? Why do I want to stay?”

“Fuck, darlin, why are you even here with me? Yeah, the sex is amazing, but you and I don’t make sense.”

She looked up at him for a long moment. “I like you. I like you a lot. And I think we make sense. On the surface, maybe not, but that’s just looks. Deep down, we have a lot in common. I think we have something good, Spencer. I want to see where it goes.”

The knot in his gut, the knot he hadn’t even noticed, unfurled.

“I’m pushing, aren’t I?” Cara said. “I’m sorry. I know you said you wanted casual. So, yeah, casual.” She pulled out of his arms. “I need to go.”

Spencer took her hand and pulled her back into his arms. “I don’t want you to go. I want you to come home with me. Stay with me, Cara.”

He took her lips in a kiss that started out as something sweet but didn’t stay that way. By the time she pulled away they were both panting and staring at each other.

“Are you ready to go home?” he asked, his voice gruff.

She licked her lips and nodded. “Yes, take me home, Spencer.”

 

Bronwyn     Siobhan     Mark